An Email to Enjoy

If anyone has ever received a better 'work' email than the one I got this morning, please share it in the comments.

Check this out, and this is no goofing around, this is actually an email sent out to the female employee's of the company I work for. I was lucky enough to have it forwarded to me.


Ladies,

Recently, there was a bowl of Cheerios in the toilet on the side that leaks. This morning, someone did #2 and left it.

For goodness sakes, PLEASE flush the toilet!! On the side that leaks, you have to hold down the handle for a while. We’ve all had to before. Please be considerate and not make others clean up after you.

Thank you,


CLASSIC!

If I Were a 2 Year Old and Was Learning to Potty...

I would be extremely inspired, no doubt in my mind, by the following two paragraphs...

Mommy and Daddy and Michael looked in the potty. They saw pee and poop. "Michael used his potty!" said Mommy. She hugged and kissed him.

Mommy helped Michael wipe himself. Daddy helped him pour the pee and poop into the big toilet. Michael flushed the toilet. The pee and poop went into pipes under the house. Then Michael washed his hands. "What a big boy you are!" said Daddy.

However, my son, little MLB, with all that is going on in the above two paragraphs, only cares about the little bear who lays quietly next to the Big Boy Potty staring up at the ceiling. All MLB can say is "Teddy fall DOOOOWN!" He doesn't care about the pee. The poop has no relevance. The pipes under the house that are carrying the poop away matter not. The hugs, kisses and praise from Mommy and Daddy are of no importance. But that little blue bear, appearing happy and content, gazing upward with a smile that oozes joy, makes MLB's night.

The moral of the story: No matter if you pee and poop in a toilet or in your pants, as long as you can find little things in life that bring you happiness, then its all good in the hood.

Mmmmk Bye!

July 7th

I decided today that it's time for me to start blogging again. As I began thinking about what to write about I got really nervy and couldn't think of anything good. I wanted something powerful that would quickly draw all 3 of my former everyday readers back the site and give them something to enjoy. So I visited trusty google and entered the phrase "first blog post tips" and found a page that had 5 Simple Ways to Open a Blog Post with a Bang. Well, the way I look at it is I don't just want my opening to be a bang, I want my entire post to be a bang. In an attempt to use the advice that this page offers, I will instead incorporate all 5 tips into one banging post.
Here goes...

1) Ask A Question
MLBDaddy asks a question: Do people honestly thing that vests look good on them?

2) Share an Anecdote or Quote
MLBDaddy Shares an Anecdote: I was sitting at Ichiban last Friday and this turd sandwich who we were tabled up with kept asking really stupid questions of the chef who was clearly perturbed. My favorite question was... "Was this lobster raised in cold water or warm water?" To which I was hoping the waiter would say "would you like it if I used my Ichy knife to chop up the crap I am going to kick out of you?" It didn't happen, but it would have been cool if it did.

MLBDaddy Shares a Quote: "Tweeting is stupid."

3) Invoke the Mind's Eye
MLBDaddy Invokes the Mind's Eye: Picture this, you are sitting on the highest and last branch of a 250 foot tall tree and there is a raging fire burning upwards on the trunk of the tree towards you. Shall you choose to jump you will most certainly be killed by the impact of your body crushing against the ground. Shall you choose to remain in the tree, your body will be scorched and your flesh will melt and probably not smell very good.

4) Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile
MLBDaddy uses an Analogy: Being a father is like being locked into a really joyous and happy cell block for the rest of your life.

MLBDaddy uses a Metaphor: For a two year old, MLB can throw some gas, but he doesn't really have a sniff where its going.

MLBDaddy uses a Simile: Derek Jeter chews like a cow.

5) Cite a Shocking Statistic
MLBDaddy cites a shocking statistic: 8% of voters who have casted a ballot on beejo.typepad.com think that Ivy is a good choice for the name of my second baby.


Mmmmk. Bye!

25 Interesting Things

Haven't posted for awhile. Saw this on MLBAunty's site and liked it so I stole it.

You are supposed to write 25 interesting things that most people don't know about you. Not sure if these are interesting or not, but here are mine...

1. I was born in Bemidji, MN at like 3 am, on January 4th, in the year of our lord, 1980.

2. I watch The Bachelor, Survivor, The Amazing Race, Greys Anatomy, and The Biggest Loser and generally enjoy them all.

3. When I was about 7 years old I burned my finger after touching a car cigarette lighter because I was wondering why it was red.

4. My mom used to make book report covers for me because my artistic skills are less than below average.

5. One of my favorite moments of 2008 was when the wife and I won the family Pictionary game.

6. I used to think soccer was a sport.

7. I have faked being sick only once in my life that I can remember, and it wasn't to skip school, it was to skip church.

8. I pick my nose, but I don't eat it.

9. I am proud to be an American and even prouder that I do not live in Superior, WI.

10. In 1989, while suffering from a high fever, I had a hallucination/dream that Manuel Noriega was trying to hunt me down in the jungles of Panama. I was actually sitting in the living room puking into the family popcorn bowl.

11. I drove a '92 white Ford Taurus from 1999-2001. Squirmy's GP, I thank you for this fabulous opportunity.

12. I've mourned the the deaths of three people with actual tears; one grandma, one grandpa, and Kirby Puckett.

13. The last two hours before MLB was born is the most nervous I have ever been in my life.

14. In tenth grade I went to Mexico with my Spanish class, got really sick, threw up orange gatorade on a bus trip from Mexico City to Acapulco, peed blood, visited a tourist hospital in Acapulco, and got a shot of penicilin in the butt from an extremely attractive Mexican nurse who spoke zero English.

15. I've only had one professional massage in my life and I will never ever have another one.

16. I hate leaving voice messages for people. I also hate drive thrus. I also hate Derek Jeter and Tiger Woods.

17. I once thought I could make $500 a week by stuffing envelopes. I even ordered the $25 kit to find out how.

18. My favorite bands are Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Live, Stone Temple Pilots and The Offspring.

19. I once got thrown in a snow bank at the local ice skating rink by some churchies and I never really wanted to go back after that.

20. I got really pissed in 6th grade during the Presidential Physical fitness when I finished second in the mile run.

21. Doritos used to be the main staple of my diet, then they had to go and change their recipe and I don't really care for them anymore.

22. The most famous person I have ever shaken hands with is Mark McGuire.

23. I have always wanted to go white water rafting, but have never done it.

24. My favorite episode of South Park stars Al Gore and Man Bear Pig. Highlights

25. I once peed in my own face. Long story, but the lesson learned is to never urinate on a windy day in an outhouse that is being cleaned.

Interview with MLBMommy

So the wifey and I decided to interview each other for our blogs so we sat down on the couch with our Bizzle Baby and some Cheez-It's and had at it. Here is how my portion of the view went...

MLBDaddy: So we went to dinner and furniture browsing tonight, did you see anything you would want to buy for our family room?

MLBMommy: Maybe. I think I'd like to go back to our first shopping stop and check out that couch again, and check to see if it's on sale.

MLBDaddy: So what's your top priority as far as our home improvements go?

MLBMommy: Finishing the cleaning of the basement.

MLBDaddy: Shifting gears a bit here, what's it like being married to a member of "the family"?

MLBMommy: [Eyes racing around the room. Digging for Cheez-Its] I think its nice you have so many friends, or err, family members. And I've gotten to know some really cool people because of it too.

MLBDaddy: If you had to listen to the same song on repeat for the rest of your life, which song would you choose and why?

MLBMommy: There are probably a lot of them. I can listen to the same song on repeat at work over and over again. But, for the rest of my life, I guess I can't really choose one. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

MLBDaddy: Let's say that John McCain beat out Obama in the November election. What would your reaction have been?

MLBMommy: I would have said [laugh laugh, picking at fingers]. I don't know what I would have said. I would have been disappointed.

MLBDaddy: What is your all-time favorite MLBDaddy blog post?

MLBMommy: The Oregon Trail.

MLBDaddy: What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

MLBMommy: I have never received any advice. I like, never had anyone like, telling me any like, advice like in sports or anything. The best piece of advice I have gotten recently was from some friends who advised me to have Max sleep in his own room.

MLBDaddy: You asked me this one a few minutes ago, so I'm gonna ask it of you as well. What is your ideal vacation?

MLBMommy: I think I would like to go on a cruise to Europe. I'd like to go to Norway en stuff.

MLBDaddy: Ahh, a cruise. What cruise line would you like to go on.

MLBMommy: [With a bit of tude] It doesn't really matter.

MLBDaddy: Please rank the following songs in order from your most to least favorite.
1. Everybody Dance Now - C&C Music Factory
2. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
3. Whip It - Devo
4. Life is a Highway - Tom Cochran
5. She Blinded with Science -

MLBMommy: When I hear the song Whip It, I keep thinking of the song Push It by Salt & Peppa. Will you sing Whip it for me? Not just the melody, the Whip It part?

MLBDaddy: I only know the Whip It part.

MLBMommy: 1. Life is a Highway 2. Everybody Dance Now (A very distant #2) 3. My Hear Will Go On (Because it was our junior year prom song) After that the last two both suck. Neither, they are tied for bad.

MLBDaddy: Excluding cracking my ankles, what is the most annoying thing I do?

MLBMommy: [Had to think for a long time] It's hard to pick the most annoying thing cause nothing is like really really bad where I'm like, oh that is the most annoying thing ever ya know. Do you want like several?

MLBDaddy: Sure, you can give me a few.

MLBMommy: One of them is when we get home from work every day and you have to like poop for a half hour. Another one is when you clean up 90% of something and don't finish the last 10%. Oh crap, I just thought of another one, now what was it? [Munching the Cheez-Its] Oh yeah, when you always think things are going to go wrong. And when you want to be places a half hour early. Also, I think its not really annoying but kinda funny when like you are looking for something and it's like right in front of you and you can't find it so then I have to go looking for it and it's right there in front of you.

MLBDaddy: I'm sorry that I poop. My bad.

MLBDaddy: And what is my most annoying saying that I have?

MLBMommy: No Diggity No Doubt, No Triggity No Trout.

MLBDaddy: If MLB and I were hanging from a cliff and you could only save one of us, who would you save?

MLBMommy: That's a dumb question

MLBDaddy: The premise of mlbdaddy.blogspot.com is to try to answer dumb questions. Thanks for playing.

MLBDaddy: That just about wraps things up. Thanks much for your time.

What did you used to do for fun?

When you were a little kid, or maybe not even that little,
what kind of weird games or things did you do to entertain yourself?

Here are three things that I look back on with the fondest of memories from my childhood...

1. RUBBER BAND WARS - Making forts in my basement with my friends and then having rubber band wars. We would use blankets,
couch cushions, a ping pong table, and various other structures to construct elaborate fortresses to protect ourselves from the enemy. Usually a game played in one vs. one fashion, there were several unwritten rules to rubber band wars...

- A winner of the war was determined by the first player who struck their opponent with a rubber band five times, first to five wins

- Each player was given an equal number of rubber bands at the beginning of the game to be used as a weapon in the war

- No player was allowed to cross the imaginary line in the middle of the room for any reason

- No aiming for the face, but sweet for you if you hit the face, nice shot!!

- Verbal taunting while hidden deep within your fort is a sucka move, but not forbidden

The bravest of players would expose themselves in the open to volleys from the opposition in attempt to "load up with rubber" and ultimately control the game. WHEWWW, those were good times.


2. MAKING SANDWICHES - We are not talking about a few slices of turkey on bread with some lettuce and mayo that you eat for a meal. Oh no, we are talking little kid, human sandwiches. Here's the deal.

The rents used to have this old couch in our basement, brown and white checkered to be more detailed. Anyways, the couch had detachable butt cushions that were perfect for the construction of rubber band forts (see above). But thats not all they were good for, ahh no. They were even better served for use as pieces of bread to make human sandwiches. One cushion on the bottom, one 6 to 12 year old kid as the meat, a yellow blanket for the cheese, and voila, you had yourself hours of enjoyment. Whoever was making the sandwich always got to jump on top to make sure it remained cohesive. After further review, I'm pretty sure that this activity is what prompted my sister, several years later, to become a Sandwich Artist as the local Subway. Eat fresh Anne!


3. NILOYS and HUFFIES - I used to have a pillow. I called it a NILOY. I gave it Huffies. It smelled like rotten cheesecake. I loved my NILOY.


Now, tell me about the sweet things you used to do.

Mmmk, bye!

Wii Champion

It wasn't easy, wasn't easy at all. But guess who won the second annual Wii family bowling tourney? Two years runnin baby!!

Here I am before the magnitude of the win really sank in.

Here I am 2.3 seconds later when I realized that repeat champions are rare.

Better start practicing fam, next years tourney will be here quicker than you think!